Employee of the Month
by Tora and TheEvilestGirlChild
Summary: If Artemis Fowl was not a criminal, what would he be? Drabbles about Artemis choosing a career. Funny. Very funny.
1. Introduction

**Introduction**

What if Artemis Fowl was not a criminal mastermind? What would he be?

This is a series of drabbles about Artemis. And his vain attempts to find that one career that fits him.

What kind of job could possibly fit a fifteen-year genius?

You are about to find out.


	2. Professional Football Player

**Artemis Fowl: Pro Football Player**

"Juliet! I've finally decided I will pursue my childhood dream of becoming a professional football player!" Artemis ran in to the living room, brandishing a football wildly with one hand. Juliet was calmly sitting on the sofa watching wrestling on TV.

She grudgingly looked up from the TV. "Artemis, I hate to crush your dreams and all, but I don't think you can do it."

"And why not? I am, after all, accomplished in many other fields. I speak English, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, French, German, Latin, and Spanish fluently. Playing _football_ shouldn't be all that hard for one as accomplished and brilliant as I."

Juliet finally faced him and raised one hand into the air. "Throw the ball to me. I'll catch it."

Artemis positioned the ball in his hand, pulled back his arm, and sent the ball flying… right over Juliet's head, completely missing her hand.

Instead, it came crashing down and knocked the porcelain lamp off the end table to the right of the sofa. The lamp came crashing down on the off-white carpet, shattering into a thousand pieces.

Juliet glared at him and said: "That's why"

**203 words**


	3. Professional Snowboarder

**Artemis Fowl: Professional Snowboarder**."

"Butler, I think I'm going to try one of the bigger slopes." He cast his eyes around, searching for the perfect hill. "That one over there should do nicely, that one with the huge ski lift." With these words, Artemis pointed to the left of the bunny slope he was currently on, a rather dauntingly large hill with a green ski lift.

"Are you sure? That slope has many turns and the lift is rather dangerous. You're not exactly the most… coordinated person in the world." Butler glanced over at Artemis, who was carefully making his way over to the lift.

"I'll be fine." Artemis called back. "If I want to achieve my dream of being a professional snowboarder I must master the ski lift at some point. Why can't I do it now?"

"Well, if you want to…" Butler was still uneasy. "But I'll have to go with you."

"Sure."

The line for the ski lift was short so it was their turn in no time. Artemis got ready. He put his back to the bench and waited for it to come to him. When he felt the bench underneath him he sat and leaned forward instead of back

Oh, drat it. He had leaned forward a _little _too far. Artemis fell forward off the lift, and landed facedown into the hard packed snow.

Butler hurriedly jumped off the ski lift and rushed over to Artemis, trying to determine if his young charge was still living. After all, he fell from a few feet up, and Artemis was not the hardiest person in the world…

As he came closer, Artemis, still facedown in the snow said. "Butler?"

"Yes."

"I quit."

285 words


	4. Mall Santa

Artemis Fowl: Mall Santa

Artemis Fowl, once hailed as the world's most brilliant teenager, sat in a spacious throne on a pile of fake, glittering, 'snow.' He was Santa Claus. And not just any Santa Claus, no, he just _had_ to be the king of all cheaply paid Santa's, the mall Santa. Beside him stood an attractive young woman, brown -skinned and green-eyed. Her name, as her employee ID stated to the world, was Holly. A fitting name for one who played Santa's best little helper. In other words, an elf. She looked just as happy as a baby without its mother, and without its bottle. This meaning that she was not very happy. By the sidelines stood a strong man, with short salt-and-pepper hair crowning his head. He looked as happy as the elf looked unhappy, which would be very happy indeed. Which is to say, he was laughing rather hysterically, though quite obviously trying to be unobtrusive and hide it. He was a bodyguard, trained to be cold and unyielding, showing no emotion. He was failing at his job rather horribly, as his hands were clasped to his sides, and he was wheezing through his laughter.

Now, to an informed child, this would be a normal Christmas. He would get in the line, which was shorter than usual, which was always a bad sign. Then he would wait his turn to speak to the rather pale and un-merry Santa, who was trying to fight his boredom. After he had spoken to this delusion the mall personnel tried to sell off as Santa, he would be passed a nice candy cane, from a young lady dressed up as an elf. Most people never noticed Butler, as he was standing rather far into the crowd and leaning against a potted plant.

But then, most people do not have the hearing it would take to notice that with every candy cane passed, Holly would whisper to the Santa. At the beginning, it was mostly encouragement. After all, Holly was a rather nice girl, who wanted to make everyone's Christmas merry. Toward the time our little boy came in, it was more of a "How did you trick me into doing this?" And at the end of the day, it became a reminder of the painful ways that Artemis would pay for forcing her into this situation.

Most people do not know that elves coexist with humans on our beloved planet earth, and therefore would not have noticed that the charming young lady was actually one, as her wings were assumed to be part of an elaborate costume.

Also, most people are not trained to notice that Butler, the man wheezing over there next to the potted plant, was a bodyguard. But then, this was no normal mall. _This_ was the mall to crown all malls, the plotting matrix which ruled the mall system, _this _mall was the mall created only to sell the people loaded goods, which would then bring the world under the reign of that oh-so-innocent boy hunched over a throne covered in not-so-bright tinsel.

And _this _ was the reason that the oh-so-miserable elf Holly was handing out poisoned candy canes, and the reason the laughing Butler was putting drugs in everything he could reach, and that the oh-so-bored Santa Claus was sitting there _talking to children._ Or perhaps it was because they had been caught in one of their many schemes for money, and were now stuck doing community service. One of the two.

585 words


	5. Phone Sex Operator

**Phone Sex Operator**

Artemis heard the phone ring. He was sitting at a plain table in a room with about twenty other people. The milky white phone rested on the table. It was one of those phones that had a chord, and clearly showed just how cheap this company was.

Artemis truthfully didn't know what he was doing here. Oh, wait, yes he did. His father pushed him into doing this job. Well, not this particular job. Just _a_ job. To help him get experience with working with people. But Artemis didn't think this was the type of people skills his father wanted him to learn.

But it was the only job he could find on such short notice. Besides, they managers said he would be perfect for the job, that he had a wonderful voice. It had made him feel a little better. But not really.

The phone continued to ring. Artemis sighed and finally picked up the phone. It was time to get down to business. Artemis began to speak, trying to make his voice as deep and sexy as possible.

"Ready for some lovin'…baby?"

**Word Count 187**


	6. McDonalds Worker

**McDonalds Worker**

Artemis was standing behind the counter of one of Irelands many McDonalds. He was waiting impatiently for the lady to order. She really shouldn't be here. She was fat enough already.

The lady continued to stare at the menu, as she had been doing for the past five minutes. This was taking too long. Artemis had to intervene. "May I help you order ma'am?"

"No, no I can do this myself. I just can't decide what to get. I've already had one of everything on the menu before."

"Have you tried the salads?"

"No, I haven't. I don't particularly like salads myself." The women said all this while still staring at the menu, indecision scrawled all over her face.

"I can see that. The state of your body clearly shows your lack of nutritious food." Artemis stared pointedly at her multiple chins, E-cup chest, and protruding waistline.

The woman looked hurt and embarrassed all at once. Tears formed at the corners of her eyes while Artemis continued with the insults.

"This should be the last place for you to be. Might I suggest you go visit a gym. Or a weight loss clinic?"

"Do you realized how much fat and calories are in this food? One Big Mac has almost 500 calories and 25 grams of fat. That's your daily intake of fat right there, and one fourth of your daily calorie intake. Of course someone your size wouldn't just order one Big Mac, no they would probably order a whole meal. Including a drink, say you got a medium coke, that's about 200 calories and 53 grams of sugar. Now you would probably order fries too. One order of large fries would be about 400 calories and 22 grams of fat. Of course what meal isn't complete without a dessert? One hot fudge sundae is about 300 calories and 10 grams of fat. That whole meal comes to total of 1400 calories and 57 grams of fat. And that's just one meal. Imagine if you came here three times a day every day, which I bet you do, and ate all that. No wonder you're so fat!"

By the end of his lecture Artemis's customer was in tears. Artemis watched her double butt jiggle as she ran out of the fast food joint, barely squeezing between the double doors.

"Artemiiis?" It was his manager.

Artemis turned slowly around, until he faced the clean shaven man in the red McDonalds uniform. He was at least forty, and with a receding hairline and protruding gut to prove it.

"Yes?" Artemis answered.

"That was the fourth time today you have scared away a customer. And…" His face contorted in anger and began to redden.

"And what?" Artemis prompted.

"YOU'RE FIRED!"

**Word Count: 460**


	7. Prostitute

**Prostitute**

Artemis was standing at the corner of the street, in front of the liquor store. It was almost ten at night. The only light on the street came from single bulb of the streetlamp. And even that was fading. It was the sleaziest part of town, garbage littering the ground.

As Artemis stood beneath the lamp he surveyed the few people passing by. They all appeared to be gangsters or stoners. Not a decent soul in sight. The only women around were those on the other street corners of the various nightclubs and liquor stores of the downtown area, standing under the lampposts and flaunting their various….assets.

Artemis saw several druggies check him out as they passed by. Why shouldn't they? After all it was Artemis who was dressed like a hoe. Fishnet stockings, red feather boa, black leather mini-skirt, red corset complete with a stuffed strapless bra, and long-haired black wig included.

One of the druggies approached Artemis, cash already in hand. "Ready to give me a good time baby?"

It was just fine at first to stand there in women's clothes at the street corner, but at the prospect of him actually having to 'perform' Artemis suddenly lost all his nerve.

"Uh…I'm not for sale." He managed to get out.

"But baby, I'm giving you money. You have to let me have my way with you." The man pleaded.

"NO! I WILL NEVER DO IT WITH YOU, YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF FILTH!" Artemis then angrily slapped the man. It was a strangely womanly act for a man. Must be the clothes.

The man, clearly sensing the distinct vibe of a woman on a rampage quickly stumbled away, as fast as his druggie legs could carry him. Artemis stormed off down the alley, away from the godforsaken street.

Butler appeared from behind the dumpster and tailed Artemis. Butler was wearing a sparkling gold suit with a matching bowler hat. Expensive looking bling hung from his neck and wrists. The rings on his knuckles read PIMP LIFE and in his left hand he held a large emerald green glass cup encrusted in diamonds. Written in diamonds were the words PIMP CUP in the middle of the cup.

As they walked Butler angrily spoke to Artemis. "I thought you wanted to be something different? Now get back there and sell your body! I'm the pimp and you're the hoe!"

"NOT ANYMORE!"

**Word Count: 399**

**Tora: Sorry, I was only able to post three this time. If any of you have any jobs Artemis would suck at just tell me. TheEvilestGirlChild and I would be more than happy to write a fic about them. But I'm kind of just the one writing and posting now TEGC's (TheEvilestGirlChild) internet connection is down so she can't really do anything. On a lighter note I made a list of jobs for Artemis and I came up with pretty many so for those of you who like these drabbles this'll probably go on for a long time. Okay, that's all I have to say for now. R&R! Bye **

**Note: I don't really know what a phone sex operator's job is like. I kind of made it up based on telemarketers. So I apologize for any mistakes I made. And no offense to all those phone sex operators out there. I'm sure your job is very important and many single lonely people thank you.**

**Disclaimer: ahem (clears throat)…I DO NOT OWN ARTEMIS FOWL!...**


	8. Clown

**Clown**

"I don't want a doggy!" The five-year old screamed.

Artemis sighed inwardly. Didn't this kid understand that _all he could make _were dogs? He realized now that being a clown for a part-time job wasn't one of his most brilliant ideas he'd ever thought of. He made a mental note to never do anything that involved white face paint, rainbow afros, blue and white polka-dotted clown suits, big red shoes, or a large red foam nose again. Ever.

Artemis was standing in a sea of balloon dogs with children sitting on the carpet in front of him. It was some little boy's fifth birthday and Artemis was hired as the entertainment for the evening.

"Give me a bicycle! Now!"

Spoiled brat.

"For the last time, I don't know how to make a bicycle out of balloons. Don't you want another dog?" Artemis pleaded with the boy. He was getting desperate. If this kid kept complaining, his parents might ask for a refund.

Artemis Fowl does not give refunds.

"YOU SUCK!" Shouted a kid sitting in the middle of the group.

"Stupid clown! Make me a bicycle now!"

It was a combination of ingesting mass amounts of sugar in the past hour and all the shouting that got the rest of the kids riled up. They started screaming and throwing balloons at Artemis. One kid ran up and kicked him in the shin. Hard. This caused Artemis to double over. He now, officially, hated little kids.

Where are their parents? Have they left me here to die by the hands of five-year olds? While the kids rampaged all Artemis could do was cover his head with his hands and pray to God someone would come save him.

"HELP ME!"


	9. Taste Tester

**Taste Tester**

Artemis stared down at the plate. He was sitting at a white table in the middle of a laboratory. How did Butler manage to talk him into this?

"Well, go ahead. Try it." The scientist standing across from him said.

"It's blue."

"It's not going to hurt. We just want to see if this food's any good."

"It's blue."

"Just taste it. We're paying you."

Artemis looked at the plate again. It was some type of crumble. But it was blue. Neon blue. It practically glowed with blueness.

"Why is it blue?"

"To make it more appealing to kids." The scientist was losing patience.

Artemis grudgingly picked up his fork and took a bite. Hmm…not bad. It tastes normal. Wait…

"Mmrrff!" Artemis covered his mouth with both hands. He doubled over in his chair.

"What's wrong!" The scientist bent over Artemis, looking concerned while simultaneously taking notes on his clipboard.

"…Bathroom…now…" Artemis managed to get out.

"Through the door and down the hall to your left. Hurry! Go!" The scientist didn't need anyone throwing up on his nice clean, white floor.

Artemis bolted for the bathroom.

88888888

"So…the symptoms from the blue crumble include: nausea, diarrhea, and headache. Am I correct?" Asked the scientist. Artemis was once again sitting at the stark white table after over an hour in the bathroom.

"…Yes…"

"Good. Now try the yellow one."

"Mmrrff!"


	10. Model

**Model**

"Smile Arty!"

"No."

"Come on, you know you want to."

"No."

"Don't think of yourself as in your underwear leaning against a motorcycle. Think of yourself in your home, at your computer. Just relax."

"No."

"I'll give you a lollipop."

"_No_."

"Just smile. Once for the camera. That's all."

"No."

"Just once. Then we're done. After that you can go home and you'll never see me again."

"Promise?"

"Would I lie to you?"

smile

flash

"Okay, now one more. You can't leave until you do one more."

"WHAT!"

"Smile Arty!"

**Tora: That last one actually made me laugh. Really when I write these things I don't laugh at all. Which makes me worried. If I don't laugh what if other people don't think this is funny?**

**I also apologized for putting Artemis in his underwear. It's just if he was fully clothed I don't think he would have that much trouble smiling (even if it is an evil one). **

**Anyway, in honor of hitting the big one zero in chapters I'm answering reviews. I'll try to do all of them. Here I go:**

**Mulch Diggums: Yes. I am American. Someday though I'll go to Europe. I have relatives there. They live in Denmark. But you don't care do you? And when I remember I'll up the rating. Though I don't think I'll have any more chapters like 5 and 7. **

**blackmonday:** **Babysitter sounds like a good idea. Putting labels on soup cans…hm...maybe. TEGC came up with the Mall Santa. And regarding the snowboard one, I got that from personal experience. Yes, I fell off the ski lift and landed on my face. I never went near a ski lift again…**

**orpanchild58: Those all sound like awesome ideas! I will add those to my Tora's List of Jobs That Artemis Will Potentially Utterly Fail At.**

**athleticsrulz: Ah yes…Butler as a pimp. Stand up comic sounds good. I'll add it to my list.**

**Thorinellla: Yes we will do more. A lot more.**

**Pirates For Life: Secretary's a good idea. writes down on list And gangster, TV show host, and teacher all sound good. continues to write**

**hollybridgetpeppermint: Let me just start by saying that you have a very long name. It took me a while to type. And thank you for your reviews! It is sad Artemis keeps getting fired, but if he didn't there would be no plot! (even in my drabbles I try to have a plot)**

**crystalocean: We thank you for your laughs.**

**BookFreak: Thank you. **

**Tora: Thank you for all your reviews. I think I'll do this every ten chapters. You wouldn't believe how long this took me. And also when I write down your ideas on my list I will do them. It is my goal to someday complete my whole list. Yes. Now….R&R!**


	11. Marathon Runner

**Marathon Runner**

Artemis lined up with the other runners at the starting point. He was number 162.

This is what he had been working for this past year. His dream. If he accomplished this his life would finally be fulfilled. He could die happy.

It was almost time. Artemis gazed at the scene around him. Video cameras were everywhere, capturing every little moment of the big day on film. Thousands of people stood behind the railings along the street where the runners would compete.

Artemis saw his own mother and father in the crowd, waving their arms wildly to attract his attention. Juliet and Butler held up a large poster that read GOOD LUCK ARTY in big letters. Artemis sighed. The enthusiasm level of his family was incredible for a bunch of criminals.

It was time. A man stood just off to the side of the street, and raised a pistol into the air.

Artemis got ready. He bent his knees, preparing to launch himself down the road. He was going to win this. It was his destiny.

The gun went off.

The runners sprinted off the starting line.

All except one.

Artemis launched himself just like the other runners, but what he didn't count on was one thing.

An untied shoelace.

Artemis stepped on the shoelace, tripping over his own shoelace, and falling flat on his face.

His hopes were dashed.

His dreams destroyed.

Well….there's always next year….

**Tora: Hello again. This was more a of spur-of-the-moment-I-couldn't-fall-asleep-last-night-so-I-wrote-this-then-posted-it-this-morning kind of thing. Yeah. The reason why I made Artemis trip over his own shoelace was to show his lack of natural coordination. I really couldn't show his lack of conditioning because this is a marathon and they give you like a whole year to train. So Artemis would have a while to prepare, and I think he would be the type of person that would take full advantage of it. Yeah, so….R&R!**


	12. Boxer

Artemis Fowl: Boxer

"I don't know why you chose _boxing_, Artemis!" Butler sighed, his charge was growing up... and rather horribly too! Artemis had recently announced that his goal of the year was to learn how to box. "If you had chosen Kung Fu, or Jujitsu, or even Archery, I wouldn't have complained. But _boxing_!"

At the other end of the couch, Artemis sighed. "Butler, I have decided to pursue my dreams, can you blame for that? Perhaps I was not meant to be a criminal." Juliet, caught in the act of entering the room, gaped. And managed to croak out an incredulous squeak. Butler and Artemis turned to her, surprised. They had not noticed her quite entrance.

"But, Artemis, you are a brilliant criminal mastermind!" Artemis sighed softly, and said, "I have already made up my mind, and nothing you can say will change. All I need is your help! I need to win a few major competitions in a year, and then I'll go back to being a criminal mastermind."

Butler's eyes suddenly glinted, and he immediately said "Deal!" Then he took Artemis downstairs to their weight training courses. Now, all you have to do is lift this 100-pound weight! It's simple, I've done it lots of times." Artemis struggled to lift the heavy weights... and instantly dropped them, once he had managed to somehow push them over the edge of the table. On his feet.

Butler was sympathetic, "Oh well, let's just go over to our punching wall, maybe you can try something lighter later." Artemis nodded, to tired (already) to further complain. He was led to a brick wall, about 5 feet wide, 10 feet tall, and ½ a foot thick. "Now," Butler instructed, "punch the wall as hard as you can with your first two knuckles. Got that?"

Artemis punched the wall. And the wall... didn't do anything. Artemis did though, he screamed. "Butler," he said in deadly calm voice, "that hurt. A lot."

Juliet's eyes suddenly glinted, much like her brother's had. "Oh, Artemis, Butler was just being mean. Let me fix that up!" She walked out of the room for a few minutes and came back carrying a jar of alcohol. She rubbed it on, "This is what all boxers use to clean out their cuts."

Finally, Artemis's eyes widened... The reaction the siblings had been waiting for. "I... I don't think... I believe," he said, having finally calmed himself, "That I have banks waiting, which I need to rob." Butler feigned reluctance and said, "But, boxing..." Artemis shook his pale head firmly. "No, I cannot keep those banks waiting. They need me."

Behind his bank, sister and brother shared a grin and a whispered "Good Job!"


	13. His Autobiography

Artemis Fowl: Autobiography Writer

An old, white haired, stooped man sat in a sturdy chair in front of his desk. His desk was covered in various bits of junk, most of which he had written. In front of him sat a computer. More accurately, in front of him sat a photo album, a computer, a laptop, a handheld dictionary and translator, and palm, and an IPod Nano. Artemis Fowl was writing his own memoir.

Truthfully, he was _trying_ to write his memoir. There is a difference, believe me. Small differences, such as he had not yet gotten past his first daring bank robbery. Not to mention that he had not yet begun to explain about the elves. However, that was fine with him. He did not want his book published until after his death. Moreover, he had that planned out too. He was going to die in a nice and orderly way. Actually, he was going to lie down in the tomb he had had made, right next to the one of his mate, Holly, and take poison.

Therefore, he had all the time in the world. A wasted man limped slowly into the doorway of Artemis's office. "Butler, what do you want?" "Master Artemis," the man attempted to stand straighter, "lunch is ready." His master nodded distractedly, not wanting to pause from writing his memoirs.

"You can eat, Butler. I just need to finish these few pages." A few hours later Butler reentered the room, "Master Artemis, it is time for your nap. Your physician told me to remind you everyday at precisely 3:00 in the afternoon." Artemis glanced at the clock, which told him that, yes; it was 3:00 in the afternoon. "No wonder I feel so tired. I will retire immediately"

He got up rather feebly, not surprising for a man at the age of 94, and stumbled into his bedchambers, collapsing into his bed. "Good night, mother." The old man mumbled sleepily, before drifting off into a sleep from which he would not wake.

Nevertheless, do not be sad, for he was reunited with his dear Holly, and Butler and Juliet finished his autobiography for him. It was an instant hit on booklists, and the pair made millions of dollars. Even though most people regarded the story as suspicious, and Butler and Juliet eventually had to classify the book as a work of fiction, the pair still retired happily, and lived the rest of their lives out with their respective mates.

TheEvilestGirlChild: Hey, it is I again! Hehehe... Artemis willingly submitting to taking a nap. And mating with Holly! That is just funny... hehehe...


	14. Actor

Artemis Fowl: Actor

"No, Artemis, you must smile, like so." The director smiled menacingly, then sighed miserably and looked over at the young man he had playing the cold and dangerous vampire. True, it cut major costs on make-up; the young man seemed almost to be a vampire, but... He was difficult and stubborn beyond anything that he had ever seen. "Artemis, please, just one dangerous little smirk." Artemis... well, shall we say that they grimace which appeared on his face looked _somewhat_ like a smile. If you had -4.00 vision, had your glasses and contacts off, and was standing a fair distance away. Such as, oh, a mile or so? Maybe a bit less. But only a bit.

The director sighed again rather distinctly, "Okay, crew, let's get going! Angelina, go stand over there. Remember, you have to jump, left hook, and _then_ roll." Artemis looked bored as he watched his stunt double get punched by Angelina Jolie. _Hmmm... Perhaps I should just pay him to pretend to be me... Then I would have a legitimate excuse to get out of this sorry business. Why did I have to play Truth or Dare with Juliet, of all people? And of course I just had__ to choose dare! _

The director looked over at Artemis to realize what he had just thought and decided to use it to his advantage. Walking over to the stunt double, who was recovering from the light punch to the stomach, he patted him encouragingly on the shoulder and said. "Good Job, Jon. I think that you just won yourself the role of Count Dracula!"

Angelina, the stunt double, and all the other actors sweat-dropped and gaped at the director, astounded that he would just kick Artemis off the team. Artemis merely shrugged. The director looked panicked, as if he had just noticed what he was doing. The stunt double's mouth dropped open, and his left eye twitched slightly. And Artemis walked out on them all.

TheEvilestGirlChild: Just to prove that I do exist, I wrote this extremely short drabble. Didya like it? I'm sorry, but Tora has writer's block, so I will be the only one posting for a bit.


	15. Medieval Fool

The Medieval Fool

Dressed in the brightly striped, form fitting costume of a joker, Artemis strolled out of the changing room, hiding his troubled, not to mention embarrassed, feelings behind a mask of completely foolish joviality. He had just gotten his first job as a fool! Sure, it paid by the hour and was only at the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire, but he was confident it would lead to other, _grander_, things. After the people saw his juggling and unicycle act, they would be dying to have his perform elsewhere.

Never mind that he could only juggle about five objects, considering what they were. He had progressed to ten balls, but he had a harder time with heavier things, such as knives. So far, he could only juggle two. However, not everyone was able to juggle while riding on a unicycle, right? He could only hope so.

He had been hired as a last-minute job, after the people who ran the Faire had run out of other fools. His job was to act stupid, look stupid, tell stupid jokes, and somehow manage to make it all look brilliant. Artemis was confident. After all, Butler and Juliet had trained him on all the necessary tactics! He had, unfortunately, subconsciously decided to ignore the fact that they were bodyguards, not fools.

He walked past a group of young females, who were ooh-ing and aah-ing at a display of shiny 'medieval' jewelry. Never mind that people back then were unlikely to be carrying around bottles of the glitter they were selling to eager tourists as 'fairy dust.' He smirked and wandered toward the crowd of young women, who had now moved on to the stalls that sold 'medieval food.' Namely, popcorn and funnel cake. He snorted, and decided to make his move.

Positioning himself directly behind his victim, he prepared himself mentally for his speech. And was surprised when the young woman in front of him spun around and crashed directly into his chest, sending them both flying to the ground, arms and legs tangled together. The girl moved to a new position, sitting on his chest, and suddenly realized her rather compromising position.

She quickly called to her boyfriend, who was about twice the size of Artemis, and ran to hid behind him. Sadly, Artemis had nowhere to run.

Disclaimer: Neither Tora nor I own Artemis Fowl and any characters or places associated with him. That belongs to Eoin Colfer.

TEGC: I got a review, which reminded me that we did not have any disclaimers! I was just, like, oops! Therefore, now I have a disclaimer. Thanks you to whomever it was that told me. Sadly, I just forgot who it was, but, thanks!


	16. Back Up Dancer

**Back Up Dancer**

He finally had it. Artemis Fowl had become coordinated. It had taken him months of going clubbing and break dancing lessons, but it was worth it.

He could dance. This newfound ability gave him the courage to audition for the part of a back up dancer.

He made it. Artemis was now the lead back up dancer in one of P. Diddy's music videos. He practiced with his fellow dancers for weeks, repeating each and every move of the choreography until it was perfect.

He was ready. The day of the recording had finally come. All the dancers lined up in front of the camera, Artemis in the middle. The director gave the signal for them to begin.

He danced his heart out. Artemis popped and spun to the music playing in his head. He was completely in sync with the rest of the dancers. Until…

He preformed his solo. Artemis moved closer to the camera. As traditional rap required, he was clothed in pants that sagged down to his knees. And apparently, also sagged down past his shoes just far enough to trip him…right into the camera.

He was barely able to catch himself before he hit the floor. The camera wasn't so lucky. It feel backwards, crashing into the camera man, who in turn stumbled backwards, knocking into an intern, who just happened to be carrying a tray of steaming hot coffee.

He could only watch in horror as the coffee was sent flying, spattering over several make-up artists and crew, but the majority landed on a man on a ladder fixing the set. As burning hot coffee landed in his eyes, he lost his balance, toppling over off the ladder.

He tried to save himself by holding the set. Of course the set wasn't built to withstand the forceful grappling of a 203 pound man, and came crashing down on top of the whole crew, Artemis and the other break dancers included.

He had caused mass pandemonium and possibly thousands of dollars in damage.

He could dance…..yeah right. Like Artemis Fowl will ever have that kind of coordination.

**Word Count: 354**

**Tora: Wow. I haven't posted in so long…what has is been, like four weeks? Sorry people, school's been rough. So much homework…But anyway, from now on I'll try to post at least once a week. Can't say when TEGC will post though. And just to let you know, I began every new paragraph with "He" on purpose. I don't know why I did it. I just wanted to try something new. Though it's probably all grammatically incorrect. So yeah…R&R!**

**Disclaimer: I'm bringing Sexy Back, them other boys don't know how to act, I think** **you're special what's behind your back, so turn around and I'll pick up the slack. (It's the song I'm currently listening too. I don't own that…or Artemis Fowl.)**


	17. Waiter

Waiter

It had been two weeks since Artemis scored his new job as a waiter. Two weeks, no accidents, spills, or fatal tumbles. Artemis sighed happily. Maybe he had finally found the perfect job.

"Go and clean up table six. The customers just left." The head chef ordered him. Artemis left the kitchen, heading over to table six.

It was a mess. Artemis grimaced. They expected him to clean that? Urgh. No. Way. The boy genius stood there, staring at the explosion of a table, trying to telepathically clean the mess.

No good. He glanced up at the windows of the kitchen door. He jumped slightly. The head chef was staring at him, motioning for the boy to clean up the mess. _Clean it. Now. Or else. _He mouthed, sliding his index finger across his throat for visual effect.

Artemis hurriedly bent down. Well…time to get started. He picked at the plates with the tips of his fingers.

Wait. What was that? Whoa…a fork. With a crumb of food, just on the edge, perfect for launching at something. Artemis couldn't resist. He had to exercise his inner child once and a while right? And besides, the head chef wasn't watching anymore.

Artemis gently picked up the fork, balancing it across an expensive china plate. He raised his fist, bringing it down heavily against the fork. The crumb of food launched high into the air…and landed…in the water glass of one of the customers!

Artemis looked on, panicking, as the lady reached over for her glass, oblivious to the crumb missile floating aimlessly in the clear water.

She brought it up to her lips, and in one long gulp, swallowed it all. Artemis winced. _I can't believe she just did that…_

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_Note: Two days later, the lady contracted a severe illness, sending her to the hospital. Doctors concluded the illness came from the contaminated water she drank in a restaurant she recently visited. The lady sued the restaurant for several hundred thousand dollars. Witnesses to the water poisoning incident blamed Artemis's food flipping antics. A mere thirty minutes after the accusations were made, Artemis Fowl was promptly fired, and forced to pay the several hundred thousand dollars the head chef, who was consequently the owner of the restaurant, owed the lady. And thus, Artemis was once again unemployed._

**Tora: For some reason I'm only posting every month. It's not that I don't have ideas. It's just laziness. Pure laziness. I have this feeling I dragged the drabble out a little long. Anyone else think that?**


	18. Alcoholics Anonymous Worker

Artemis tapped his fingers impatiently against his desk, and waited for the phone to ring. It did, and he picked it up, sighing mournfully, before arranging his face and tone into a suitably sympathetic expression. "Hello, Alcoholics Anonymous. How may I help you?" He heard sniffling on the other side. "Is… Is this Artemis Fowl?" Slightly shocked, he nodded. His fame had grown in the last few years, but he was still slightly surprised that he was internationally recognized. Realizing the she couldn't hear a nod, he vocalized it for her, "Yes, this is I."

She sniffled again, "Oh good, I though I would never be able to get you!" He hid a sigh of disappointment – he was nearly always sitting right in front of this phone. "I kept picking up the phone, dialing your number, and just hanging up! I couldn't stand it!" Artemis nearly growled. He had recently been having a slight problem with those horrible prank callers, who, apparently, had been this very woman. Sounding as polite as he could force himself to, he replied, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"

Apparently, that was the wrong question to ask, in her delicate state. She broke down, and choked out, between sobs, "I… My husband… He has been having slight issues, and… I think he's drinking…." Artemis gaped at the phone, "You think? You mean you don't know?" The woman replied nervously, "I've never seen anyone drunk before, so it's hard to tell…" She trailed off, dazed.

He took up a harder tone, "Well, this is a site called 'Alcoholics Anonymous.' Generally, it is meant for the drunkards themselves, not their wives. If you truly wish for help, then please call another number, or just ask your husband to call me himself." He heard a slight gasp, then silence, and closed his eyes in satisfaction. "Please feel free to call again anytime if you have anything more to ask of us here at Alcoholics Anonymous. We are truly thankful for you call!" Without further ado, he quietly hung up on her, and tossed the phone at the wall. Thankfully, it didn't break.

Across the hall, Juliet glared at him. "You _do_ realize that we are supposed to be helping the poor people?" Artemis stretched, and then glared right back. "You _do_ realize that we are _supposed_ to be robbing them, yet are stuck here sweet talking until we can get enough information?" Juliet rolled her eyes, and then picked up one of the dozens of phones sitting on her desk, "Yes… This is I… Oh, how sad! Come, please tell me about it!" Artemis glared at her lack of conscientiousness, but then blew out a lengthy sigh. After all, he was no better. The bright green phone was ringing again…


	19. Hula Dancer

Artemis Fowl: Hula Dancer

"Okay, gang! Let's go, left, right, left, right, twist – shake your booty, Artemis!" Again, the famed boy wonder was out of tune. The girls to his left and right – who happened to have a perfect sense of rhythm – glared at him. After all, this was the fifth time in the last hour that they had to stop so he could catch up. The director mopped his forehead with a handkerchief, "Lola, would you please show him how?" A Pacific Islander stepped out of the ranks of girls, and the music started. She twirled and spun, making the best use of her rather well endowed body. "Very good, Lola!" The girl blushed and bowed to the instructor, and stepped back into the ranks of girls.

"Now, again, ladies and gentleman." Artemis joined the surrounding girls in twirling. Unfortunately, the grass skirt seemed to be _very_ itchy. After all, it was made of a rather cheap plastic (like garbage bags), and kept getting in the way of everything. What was there to like?

Thinking this over, he accidentally trod upon his neighbor's foot, throwing her off balance. Immediately, she collapsed over onto her neighbor, who, in turn, collapsed into her neighbor. As the girls were in very straight lines, this created a rather fascinating domino effect. At the end, Artemis was the only one left standing. The instructor himself had been bowled over by the toppling girls. Struggling to retrieve any shreds of dignity, he pointed at Artemis and bellowed, "Get out of my class, you clumsy imbecile!"

Artemis gaped at this unfairness, but the instructor was far from finished, "Go on, leave! Ruin my show, while you are at it!" Artemis twirled on his heel and left, skirt flowing around him and cackling manically. Furious, he stated, "You shall repent the day you denied the Great and Wonderful Artemis Fowl anything! Wait and see!"

No one, least of all Juliet and Holly, were surprised when the studio burned down a week later. They were even less surprised that the insurance companies seemed to have lost all files concerning the studio, and that all shows were canceled. And, of course, they were even less surprised that no one was ever questioned about the 'accident.'

Author's Notes

TEGC: I am back! Well, I was actually back with "Alcoholics Anonymous Worker," but I neglected to write a note in that one. Anyhow, school is just killing me (even though its _this_ close to Christmas), and I don't have all that much free time.

Comment Reviews: 

Scarfia: Nice drabbles. I liked them all. Are you still looking for ideas? Well, here they are: Bartender, Lemonade Stand, Babysitter. _Of course we are still looking for ideas! If you think of any new ones, feel free to comment us and share them. We haven't ever had anyone think of "Lemonade Stand Tender" before, and I look forward to eventually working on a story like that!_


	20. Tour Guide

Artemis Fowl: Tour Guide

"And this," the tour guide droned, "is the Empire State Building, pride of New York City." Artemis Fowl sunk deeper into the back seat, already wishing that he was far, _far_, away from this abomination. "Did you know," the tour guide asked, "that it was once the tallest building in the world?" Artemis winced and whispered to Butler, "Don't you think it would have been better if he had sounded even the _slightest_ bit amused?" Butler ignored him. Huffily, he muttered, "_Anyone_ could do that job!"

Juliet, sitting next to Butler, elbowed him, and then stuck out her hand. Butler unhappily placed a roll of bills in her hand. The top was a hundred. Artemis raised pale brows at that rather _odd_ exchange. Holly, who happened to be with them at the moment, answered his unspoken question. "They bet on what you would think of the tour guide."

Artemis turned to glare at the couple. Juliet smiled cherubically, like an angel. _Not_ a good sign. Generally, it meant she was going to murderize you. Butler, on the other hand, seemed to be more normal. For him, anyway. He was frowning in an intimidating manner at the cowed tour guide.

The bleached face of the boy genius turned back toward his friends. "I _can_ do it, and better than he can!" Unfortunately, the tour guide also heard this. Fed up with the insolent manner in which he was being treated, he raised his breathy voice and stated, "Mr. Fowl, I am quite fed up with your behavior. I challenge you to a competition, to determine the better of us!" Artemis raised his brows a graceful inch, "Oh?"

Sadly, the tour guide took this as consent… And let's just say that Artemis was not a happy camper.

_Author's Notes:_

TEGC: Hey! Wow, this is my third story in two days. I feel so _proud_.

_Comment Replies!_

Hollybridgetpeppermint: Yay! That was fun, and so was the one before it (alcoholics anonymous) :D great job! BANZAI! _Thanks! I'm so happy to be back and writing. Anyhow – I've always wondered what "Banzai" means. Could you perhaps enlighten me?_

Waterdragon719: Janitor. Artemis would kill himself before he became a school janitor. Better, a kindergarten janitor, with all the grubby little kids... Love all of it! Can't wait for the next one! _Wow, thanks for the great idea. Though I think committing suicide would be a bit much… maybe just paying obscene amounts of money for someone to pretend to be him? _

Athleticsrulz: It's good to see you back! And with two updates squeals like 2 for 1 deals at places! Ahem. What about Artemis as a vet/vet's assistant? My dog just went to the vet today, and you really didn't need to know that! Keep up the good drabble-ing and have a merry Christmas! _Merry Christmas to you as well! It is nice to see that I am greeted with such exuberance! grins_

Nazgulqueen: Heehee, Artemis as a hula dancer-a truly frightening image! _Yep! I got that from a reviewer… who I forget (sorry!). _


	21. MakeUp Artist

Make-Up Artist

"You look…beautiful." Artemis stepped away from the woman. The genius was currently working at his new job in the local mall. For three hours a day, Artemis stood in front of a beauty kiosk applying free blush, lipstick, and eyeliner to any willing passerby.

As he had hoped, most women and young girls had turned him down. Artemis wasn't especially skilled in the art of painting women's faces with cheap (and possibly dangerous) beauty products. Why would they want a make-over from a complete stranger? But closer to the end of his shift the boy's luck had run dry. Lo and behold, this women had charged up to him, demanding he beautify her face (her words, not mine).

Artemis had stared at the make-up set in dismay. _What were all these brushes for? And why did the company include colored pencils in the set? No wonder why Juliet and Mother took hours a day to apply make-up. _

He had picked up a random q-tip looking brush, dabbing it into a circular container of silver sparkles. Well, it looked pretty. Maybe it could spice up this woman's face as well? Two minutes later, Artemis took back everything he said about silver face…stuff.

She looked hideous! And Artemis hadn't even begun to apply the make-up.

Ten minutes later…Artemis had started to panic. This woman's had only gotten uglier and uglier. He frantically drew across her face with those color pencil thingies and painted her lashes with the liquid black goop stuff. Repeatedly the woman had seen his shocked his expression and asked what was wrong. And repeatedly he replaced the look of horror with an extremely fake smile full of artificial sunshine to soothe her.

"I want to see myself now please."

"Err…"

"What? Is something the matter?"

"No…"

"Then show me my face."

"Well…" Artemis subconsciously picked up the hand mirror and pressed it protectively against his chest.

The woman had had enough. She wasn't going to wait any longer for this pale adolescent to show the results of her make-over. She leapt out of her chair, ripping the mirror out of Artemis' hands.

The look of shock and utter horror on her face was priceless. If Artemis wasn't so preoccupied with thoughts of unemployment, he would have had to call this a "Kodak Moment" and go for a camera.

The woman screamed. And it wasn't just any scream. It was a shatter wine glass, promote early hearing loss scream. Anyone in the immediate vicinity had to cover their ears. Artemis himself had collapsed to the floor, barely moments before the woman hurled the mirror over his head, shattering it against the kiosk shelves.

Police arrived at the scene, and were barely able to prevent the woman from tearing the genius from limb to limb. Artemis had only one thought occupying his mind as the police dragged him away. _I don't think I'll be allowed to come back to this particular mall anytime soon. _

**Tora: I'm baaack! And shout out to Linwen for nominating our story! Words cannot express my gratitude but I'll try anyway. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!**

**Note: I'm trying to do as many requests as I can. So I need them now more then ever. If picked (actually I'm doing all of them anyway so it really doesn't matter who's idea I choose to write first) your idea may show up in drabble form! **

**Yes! Yes! One hundred reviews! Now let's bring this puppy up to two hundred! **


	22. Jazz Instructor

Jazz Instructor

Artemis stood in front of the class clad in black tights and form fitting spandex shirt. It was his first day in teaching at the dance studio. They were all staring at him. He scratched the back of his head nervously.

"Well?" One of the students asked him.

"I-I don't think I can do it." Artemis replied.

"Of course you can. You're our teacher after all. You have to know this." Another student said.

Artemis sighed. He didn't want to lose this job just because he was unwilling to show these kids how to dance. The health care benefits of this career were just too good to pass up.

"Alright." Artemis spread his legs, allowing himself to sink down to the floor in a split.

Uh-oh. He couldn't stop sinking. Artemis desperately padded the air with his hands, trying to magically float himself back to a standing position.

He felt his body completely hit the floor. And then came the pain. He cried out in agony.

"Argh! Help me the hell up!"

The students rushed over and pulled him up. Artemis rubbed the inside of his legs, making his way to the door.

"Where are you going? You still have to teach us jazz hands." A dancer cried.

"Teach it yourself. I quit!" Artemis yelled back at them. He knew there were jobs out there were you could get excellent health care coverage without going through this much pain. His legs would be sore all week.

"Argh."

**Tora: I was only able to get one out today, but expect a whole lot more in the next couple of days or so! Review please. :)**


	23. Lemonade Stall Tender

The pale boy leaned against a lemonade stand. It was rather simple – a homey kind of thing, reminiscent of one's youth. Any passersby would have thought this a rather adorable scene, and perhaps, out of pity, have purchased a glass of too-sweet, too-bitter, or completely tasteless lemonade.

Unfortunately, the lemonade stand was placed conveniently at the end of a rather long driveway, leading to a rather (insanely) large house. Also ruining the picture-perfect, well, picture, was the fact that the boy seemed to be about fifteen years of age, and looked absolutely bored. He was, at the moment, studying his nails.

Behind him stood a bodyguard. If one looked _very_ closely, one could perhaps guess that the bodyguard was bored as well. Unfortunately for him, he was not allowed the liberty of studying his own fingernails. Instead, his gaze was trained fixedly upon his shoes. Rather nice black shoes, in fact.

A limousine pulled up beside the shabby stand, and the boy (and his bodyguard) immediately snapped to attention. In a colorless voice, the boy asked the driver whether he should like any lemonade.

Sadly, he didn't. Instead, he demanded to know exactly _why_ his son, the Great Artemis Fowl, heir to the Fowl estates, was selling lemonade at a Tiki Stand in front of their driveway, completely blocking the way in.

Suffice to say that Artemis's answer was excessively long winded and made no sense whatsoever, except to draw everyone's minds completely away from the topic.

…

As a side note, Artemis earned exactly thirty-two dollars that day. Thirty from himself, and two from his bodyguard. After all, guarding a lemonade stall is tiring work.

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TEGC: I finally updated! Thanks to Thorn-the-Fastidious-Witch for the idea! This isn't my best work, but I'm trying to memorize constellations. I might redo/edit this later. Who knows? …Definitely not me.


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